GROUNDBREAKING REPORTING FROM NHL.COM – OH. MY. GOD. YOU. GUYS.
Apparently, the oh-so savvy sports (again, SPORTS) reporters over at NHL.com felt that this was front-page news:
Really, NHL.com? REALLY?
And before I get into how absolutely idiotic and redundant that title is, let me bestow upon you some gems from the article itself:
Lundqvist is an introverted Swede with brown locks uncharacteristic of his homeland – you think Swedish, you usually think blonde. Avery, meanwhile, is an extroverted Canadian from the Toronto suburb of North York who prefers to be a bit flashier in style and substance.
OH. MY. GOD.
Henrik Lundqvist is Swedish and has brown hair, and a common Swedish stereotype is that they’re all blonde.
Holy shit. If you tell me he has shopped at an IKEA and someone in his family drives a Volvo, I might just die in my $#^&ing chair right here and now. I cannot handle this hard-shitting* journalism, this is too intense for me. SWEDE WITH BROWN HAIR IT’S THE MOTHER%^@#ING APOCALYPSE.
*typo, but it stays.
DID YOU KNOW HE HAD BROWN HAIR!?!!?! OMFG!!!
And what comes after that? Oh, sweet baby Jesus, don’t even tell me you uncovered the hidden truth that Sean Avery is Canadian and outgoing. HOLY %#$)ING SHIT. My heart cannot take this Earth-shattering news. I might black out.
Oh, wait – it gets better.
Apparently, writing about fashion-y players means that fact-checking isn’t necessary. Of yeah, and plagiarism is totally cool.
“Sean’s one of a kind,” Lundqvist said. “When Page Six Magazine put me on its Top 25 Best Dressed list [September 2008] with the caption “Sean who?” I gave it to my brother [fraternal twin Joel, a former center for the Dallas Stars, Avery's former team] to put in Sean’s stall in the locker room. Sean didn’t think it was very funny.”
That’s from the NHL article. This is from the Page Six Magazine article from a few months ago when Lundy was on the cover:
“Sean’s one of a kind.” And while the goalie may not talk badly about other players, even he couldn’t resist busting Sean’s chops in a little sartorial competition. Henrik’s fraternal twin brother, Joel, is a center in Dallas, and “when Page Six Magazine put me on its Top 25 Best Dressed list [September 2008] with the caption, ‘Sean who?’ I gave it to my brother to put in Sean’s stall in the locker room,” says Henrik with a mischievous grin. “Sean didn’t think it was very funny.”
The Lundqvist brothers are identical twins. When Page Six got it wrong, it was ok – they’re barely a newspaper. Joel Lundqvist played in the NHL for 3 and a half seasons. Henrik is STILL in the NHL(der), and one of the biggest names in the league, and in it’s marketing. Look them up on your own damn website, skilled and savvy NHL reporter – you might learn something.
Or try looking at Henrik’s Wikipedia page. Or Joel’s Wikipedia page. Or my left tit’s Wikipedia page, it’s probably on there too!
Or look up an MSG broadcast from a time when we played Dallas – the words “identical twins” are said more often than the word “puck” – Sam and Joe go on about their twin-ness like they used to be conjoined at the damn face and were only recently separated and able to live normal lives and play sports and OMG AREN’T THEIR LIVES SO AMAZING OMGTWINSBROTHERSSWEDISHTWINSBROTHERSTWINSOMGOMGOMG
Or, I don’t know, talk to the players you’re writing a feature on, instead of mashing together shit that you’ve read in other publications and passing it off as your own reporting.
There’s a ton of other shit in this article that was blatantly copied and pasted from the Page Six article, which I can’t be bothered to copy and paste into here. That headline offends my eyes so badly I can’t even have the damn page open, stinking up my web browser with it’s shittyness. The ’stylish’ part, I can take – the ’slaves to fashion’? No. If they really were, they’d look like this:
They do not look like that. They look like this:
Can you spot the difference? Cause I can.
Apparently, NHL.com staff writer, you have a lot to learn. Like how to Google things. And how to not be 10 months behind on shit – that Page Six Magazine article came out in January. It is now October. Sean Avery interned for Vogue over a year ago. It’s not news anymore.
Oh, and for the record, I don’t ever want to see the names Avery, Lundqvist, or the name of any other Ranger in the same sentence with the word “slave”. Unless it involves a lot of leather and my – you know what? I’m not gonna go down that road.
Anyway, thank you so much, NHL.com writer, for this outstanding piece of sports journalism. I think we’ve all been supremely enlightened by your hard work and what was obviously long, painful hours of research and digging to uncover little-known facts that were totally true, relevant, and timely.
Good day to you, NHL.com staff writer. Be true in your quest for knowledge and greatness.
About the author: Rory is a recent college graduate from central New Jersey majoring in History and PR. A Ranger fan all her life, the bane of her existence is the New Jersey Devils, and she harbors a severe hatred for Martin Brodeur. Her favorite current Rangers are Henrik Lundqvist, Sean Avery, and Steve Valiquette, and her favorite all-time Rangers are Mike Richter and Jeff Beukeboom. Related posts:
The article was hilarious on its own, but the crazy depths of your anger make it so much better!
Wow that is some grade A garbage. Yeah I know that I write about crap sometimes, but come on this is NHL.com not some shitty rag in the checkout isle!
If I had time to blog, I’d post a rant about this rant. It’s not quite as annoying as people who post comments on opinion columns calling the content biased (duh!) but this is certainly close.
The NHL is a business. That business is selling hockey tickets, broadcasting rights and merchandise, not reporting/news/telling the truth. NHL.com inevitably reflects that.
Getting apoplectic about the “journalistical integreties!!1″ of puff pieces is like being shocked, shocked there’s gambling in Casablanca. There is no reasonable expectation of quality, just a misunderstanding at work.
sarcasm
-noun
-Derision, mockery, ridicule, scorn, sneering, scoffing; irony; cynicism.
-Usage: Some people just don’t understand sarcasm.
WHAT??!?! There’s Gambling in Casablanca? I am shocked. SHOCKED!