HOT MESS: LONG ISLAND – When Worlds Collide!
Direct from the deepest gutter of gutterskank-ness, Page Six: everyone’s favorite piece of Long Island trash(say it with me), Lindsay Lohan, tried to get Sean Avery, Aaron Voros, and model Jessica Stam thrown out of a club in NYC. Good Lord I hope this is true, because it’s hilarious.
A spy relates, “Lindsay threw a fit because she wanted to be at their table near the DJ. But she claimed she didn’t want to sit with Aaron and said, ‘He’s my ex-boyfriend. I don’t want him anywhere near me.’ Voros denied knowing her. A drink then flew in Jessica’s face, and Lindsay demanded their table be moved out. Club bosses refused and tried to calm her down. Stam, Voros and Avery were shocked but didn’t retaliate, and Lindsay left shortly afterward.” We await Lohan’s inevitable denial, but we have multiple witnesses.”
Sweet Jesus that’s good, cracked-out garbage. Honey, AARON VOROS just denied knowing you! Think about that. That’s like getting dissed by……..um………hmmm……Aaron Voros. You have hit a new low, darling. Almost as low as me that time I spent a solid $32 at the Taco Bell drive-thru. Almost.
And why in HELL would you try and convince someone that you dated him if you hadn’t? Once again: A-a-r-o-n V-o-r-o-s. I suppose if you really had, this would be the only good thing to come out of it: getting attention(which you crave like a vampire craves blood) in a club for having him thrown out, that is. I’m sure the crayon-scribblings on your walls and grunting sounds in lieu of words was great and all, but the cost would have had to outweigh the benefits in that relationship. The cost, of course, being repairs for when he figured out how to make fire in your living room and made spears out of all the wooden furniture in your apartment, and the benefits being freshly-speared game from Central Park(mmmm, hobo).
One thing I don’t buy about this is that no one retaliated. That Sean Avery did not retaliate to something straight out of freakin Dynasty. You know homegirl stood up, did a double-snap(he practices in the mirror), and tried to snatch that trick’s weave right off her head. But Lohan’s coke-fueled reflexes allowed her to duck out of the way and scurry to safety(a.k.a. a pile of newspapers- she feels at home there). Maybe next time, Sean will be victorious in his weave-snatching. I believe in you, Sean, I do. Here’s some inspiration for you(it is the offseason, not like you’re thinking about hockey):
In a related story, someone left their Valtrex in the fitting room at my job today. So Lindsay, feel free to swing by the Freehold mall on your way to jail later this week- that shit must be expensive, and Lord knows you can’t afford to be wasting pills like you wasted vodka by throwing it on a bitch. Or afford anything, for that matter.
About the author: Rory is a recent college graduate from central New Jersey majoring in History and PR. A Ranger fan all her life, the bane of her existence is the New Jersey Devils, and she harbors a severe hatred for Martin Brodeur. Her favorite current Rangers are Henrik Lundqvist, Sean Avery, and Steve Valiquette, and her favorite all-time Rangers are Mike Richter and Jeff Beukeboom.