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Where to Start…?

In my usual starvation for Ranger news that sets in during the summer, I make a habit of Googling different players who tend to pop up in articles and discussion- to get my Ranger fix.  During the days of Aaron Voros’ compulsive Tweeting of nonsense and semi-nude photographs of teammates (thanks for that, by the way), this need was lessened.  Now, I have to scavenge.  And today’s scavenging led me to this picture:

From seanavery.net (not to be confused with seanavery.com), we have this photo of Ranger Great Adam Graves with Ranger Grater(ba dum bum) Sean Avery.  Someone I haven’t written about in a while.  Probably because I just haven’t written in a while.  Anyway, they both attended Children’s Health Fund 2010 Benefit in New York City a few days ago, where this photograph was born.

Normally I wouldn’t keep the photo so big, but I feel it is necessary to make my point, because it allows for every sweetly ridiculous detail to be viewed in all their glory.  Let’s begin.

Number one: Let me start this off by saying: Sean Avery, you are not Hunter S. Thompson.  I knew Hunter S. Thompson(no I didn’t), I worked with Hunter S. Thompson(nooooope), and you, sir, are no Hunter S. Thompson.  Get rid of those Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas glasses- unless you’re ready to huff some ether and go to the Bazooko Circus Casino with Benicio del Toro.  You look ridiculous.

Number two: Why is your forehead three times darker than the rest of your face?  Is it left over fake-tan grease from that time Lindsay Lohan continued her rampage of hot mess-ness all over Voros’ girlfriend’s face? I’m sure there was a head butt in there somewhere, she seems like the type to bust that out after she’s done wasting all of the available nectar of life, aka alcohol, by throwing it on bitches.  See what happens when you’re not fast enough with the weave-snatch?  You best step up your bitch-game, Sean.  That way you won’t end up with a forehead like that.  People are staring.

Number three: Since you clearly don’t wear sunscreen, as is evidenced by your potato-skinned forehead, I am curious as to why there seems to be a halo of pale around your hairline.  And don’t get smart and tell me it’s an ACTUAL halo, I’ll believe that when I see Kirstie Alley and Marty Brodeur eating salad together(chocolate and lard salad doesn’t count).  Either commit to the pale, or commit to the melanoma-inducing skin damage.  There is no half-and-half.

Number four: Why does Gravey have that same look on his face in every single picture of him on the face of the planet?  You’re not new at this, Adam; it’s not going to bite you, it’s just a camera- no need to look so scared.  But I love you anyway.  Keep it up.  And I won’t start about what looks like a bullet-proof vest under your suit.

I feel the need to reiterate my point about the glasses.  Until you are prepared to do this:

Get rid of them.

About the author:  Rory is a recent college graduate from central New Jersey majoring in History and PR. A Ranger fan all her life, the bane of her existence is the New Jersey Devils, and she harbors a severe hatred for Martin Brodeur. Her favorite current Rangers are Henrik Lundqvist, Sean Avery, and Steve Valiquette, and her favorite all-time Rangers are Mike Richter and Jeff Beukeboom.

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